In Memoriam

So I'm taking some time away from writing that I should be doing because while scanning cnn.com, I read that their longtime film critic Paul Clinton has passed away. Now, since I put as much stock into film reviewers as I do in the chances that I will spontaneously gain the ability to fly, I figured I would judge the man by his words, to ask the most important question of all about his no doubt impressive body of work:

Does he agree with me?

Here's what he has said about some films I've seen, with my comments beneath:

-North Country
"Around this time of year -- like a visit from the flu bug -- Hollywood is bitten by a severe case of B.O.B, 'Blatant Oscar Bid.' 'North Country' is one of this year's first full-blown cases."

Right on, Paul. With every shot screaming of potential rape and filmed like a lifetime movie, North Country deserved little more than whatever meager box office numbers it managed to achieve.

-50 First Dates
"Remember the comedy 'Groundhog Day,' in which Bill Murray is forced to relive the same day time and time again? Well, '50 First Dates' has the exact same premise with one big difference: It's not funny."

Zing, you snappy bitch. I love it.

-One Hour Photo
"Robin Williams, it has been reported, decided to change his career strategy in the aftermath of being critically accused of playing the same warm-and-fuzzy characters time and again in such sappy films as 'Patch Adams' (1998) and 'Jack' (1996). It got to the point where insulin shots should have been sold along with the tickets to his films."

To be honest, I didn't see this one - I just like the fact that he dumped on Robin Williams a little bit.

So in the end, what does all of this mean. Have I lost a kindred spirit? Are all the people with my taste in movies slowly being killed off by fate, or natural causes? I don't know for sure, but I do know this: Anyone who called "Freddy Got Fingered" quite simply the worst film ever released by a major studio in Hollywood history is OK by me. You'll be missed, Paul.

In the way of violating the law.

I read a story today on cnn.com about a Colombian heroin ring that hid their drugs from authorities by sewing them into the stomachs of puppies. Now let me preface this blog by saying that I am firmly a dog person. We always had at least one dog around when I was growing up, and I wish my apartment allowed dogs so I could have one of my own. I'm also not much of a drug person. Keeping that in mind, I have to give to those drug lords. I mean, puppies? Brilliant! First of all, the average Joe Customs Officer doesn't want to be seen as an asshole for doing a cavity search on a 10-month-old Beagle, even if said dog is being carried in its tote by a 6'5" Venezualan with a dragon tattoo winding around his left arm. Also, say you have your drug sniffing dogs on the job, patrolling the terminal. Would you be suspicious when your dog begins sniffing the ass and crotch area of a year old King Charles Spaniel? Of course not! That's what dogs do! It's pracitcally a handshake for them.

Now that these Colombians have been busted, they've ruined that method for all the other South American drug cartels. So where does a power/money hungry drug lord hide his merchandise now? Here are some thoughts:

- A snake: Snakes are creepy. Nobody likes touching/holding them except for drug addicts and other dealers. Plus, you can say the bulge in its abdomen is just an undigested mouse.

- A boom box: Sure, the police are going to try to search you if you look suspicious. But will they be able to finish the search when the jam box reeking of hashish starts playing "Shadows of the Night?" I doubt it.

- Another person: That way, when they get caught, you don't. Probably shouldn't be somebody who can identify you in a court hearing.

So let that be a lesson to the trailer park meth cookers, closet-blacklight pot farmers and backwoods moonshine makers: with a little ingenuity, you can hide your goods in a way that is both inventive and effective.

And then get caught. But at least you'll be read about on cnn.com. Maybe you'll even be the top story.