Tuesday, August 02, 2005

An Open Letter to the World at Large...

So I'm in rehearsal/class at Second City last night, and we're in groups developing material, and when coming up with ideas/talking about things that piss us off, my thoughts turn to people moving, or rather the fact that many people seem to be unaware of how to move efficiently when in an area with more than one other person in it.

Since I'm SUCH a nice guy, I thought I'd post a few handy tips for those of you interested in making the world a better place. For me.

1. If you're at a place of business such as a bank, and someone is nice enough to let you go ahead of them through the "one-at-a-time-blast-shield" security door, that might not be the best time to organize your wallet. Many banks now offer state-of-the-art counter space on which you can write things, put things down, and many counters even have enough space to lay a few things out and organize them. Just a tip.

2. When backing out of a parking space, it is advisable that you check your mirrors, blind spots and rear window BEFORE you pull out. You see, in the time that you spend blindly moving in reverse, several people can occupy the space behind your car that was once vacant - this goes double for any Costco parking lot, which will most likely be laid out a little less efficiently than a hedge maze. Also, slow the fuck down - there's no prize for being the fastest guy in the parking lot.

3. Conversely, if you are a pedestrian in a parking lot, don't dawdle, and if a car has already started moving, let it go - "metal doesn't yield to bone" is a little pearl of wisdom passed down to me by father. Don't pick the moment a car is moving to put on a little playlet about pedestrian rights - we all know the law, but believe me when I say that nobody is impressed, neither by your principles nor by your indignance. Also, when crossing from the lot to the sidewalk/front door, take the shortest route possible - no Family Circus-like meandering to get to your destination. We ALL have somewhere to be, OK? Save your wandering for a real hedge maze.

4. If you're going to use the express lane at a supermarket, do NOT pay with a fucking check. If you don't have enough cash on you to pay for your Abba Zabba bar, just put it the fuck BACK. Here's a fun piece of trivia: did you know that your checking account can be magically linked to a card that will draw the exact amount of money needed DIRECTLY from your checking account? Maybe you should look into it, and if your excuse is that you're nervous about identity theft, maybe you shouldn't use little pieces of paper with your name, address, driver's license number, bank account number AND signature on them to pay for goods and services.

5. Finally, if you're a tourist visiting a large outdoor shopping complex such as, oh, let's say the Grove, which is constantly boasting Tokyo-like sidewalk crowding, really think hard about whether or not three people walking abreast should stop suddenly to make a phone call, unfold their 3ft. wide street map, take a group pic or make dinner plans. Pull that shit over to the side. People less patient and more violent than I could create quite the unpleasant scene.

That's enough for now - if YOU have additions, I'd love to hear them.


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