On the pain of loss

My mother passed away almost two weeks ago. It was an embolism, which struck without warning, as embolisms do. No tearful goodbye on a death bed, no time to brace myself, Just a day earlier I had seen my mother via a skype conversation. She showed me the bandage from her recent foot surgery, and had a smile plastered on her face that I will remember as the dominant theme of her life: no matter what hardships she endured, what challenges she faced, she held herself with a dignity and a positivity that couldn't help but inspire everyone she knew, whether they were lifelong friends or someone she had met during a chance encounter. She was my source of strength for so many years, and during a tragedy like this, she is the one I would have turned to for solace or a talk.

There's a strange thing that happens when someone so close to you passes away. Vivid moments from the first week of her death flash in my mind like a strobe light, pounding away at me: getting the phone call and the shock and uncontrollable shaking that accompanied it. Selecting a coffin. Losing it over and over again. The viewing. The Funeral, which was beautiful, and yet played out with every cliché of weak legs and eyes blurred by tears that I thought were machinations of television and film. The tsunami of love and support from friends and relatives. Then, there are other things that I cannot remember, like her laugh. A laugh I heard so many times that I took it for granted. The Rabbi mentioned her laugh during the eulogy and countless people talked about it during the course of sitting shiva, and I can't remember it.

I've never felt guiltier about something in my life than I do about forgetting my mother's laugh.

People talk about the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance, as if they are a slow march towards healing that can be measured as you reach each specific feeling. While I'm sure the concept has validity, I have been experiencing all of these emotions at once, although perhaps the fact that I am overwhelmingly mired in a depression right now means there's a light at the end of the tunnel. However, I still bargain, I still deny, and I still get angry.


In the end, we move on because we have to. You slowly move into line with the rest of the world, and although there is a hole in your heart, you live with the pain, and allow your mind to hold on to what was precious about your relationship so you can draw a vibrant picture for those who never had the pleasure of knowing her. And ultimately, you realize that when you continue with your life, in some bizarre way, you're keeping her alive.

I love you mom.

On the heat

If you read my post from yesterday, you've no doubt gleaned that it's hot in Los Angeles right now. Of course, being a beach dweller I have the advantage of experiencing temperatures that are a good ten degrees lower than those living in L.A. proper; however, I also live in an apartment with high, uncovered windows, direct exposure to sunlight for extended periods of the day, and no central air. We do have an R2D2-sized AC unit, but it is most efficent when you crounch in front of it - we're asking a lot if we want our entire living room cooled.

As I lay in bed this morning, sweating from the heat I had slept through, I found myself wondering: would I rather be too cold or too warm?

First, let me establish that I have experience with both extremes. I've traveled to Israel in the summer, driven through Arizona and Texas with temperatures well into the 100s and lived through my share of heat waves back east. I also attended Syracuse University, whose climate resembles the ice planet Hoth for 7 months of the year. Having compared both situations, I came up with this list of pros and cons for each:

HEAT/SUMMER

Pros:
- Don't have to put on so much damn clothing
- Can swim in an outdoor pool without risk of hypothermia
- Ice Cream now an acceptible substitute for a nutritious lunch
- 4th of July provides a great opportunity to overeat, get drunk AND play with dangerous, flammable objects

Cons:
- Constant sweating causes body odor issues, makes you stick to all leather furniture.
- That one dance song you hate will become a teen anthem, and you will hear it everywhere, since school's out.
- 4 words: Fat People in Swimsuits.
- Disneyland now crowded EVERYDAY.

COLD/WINTER

Pros:
- The ethereal glow of moonlight on fresh fallen snow
- You're SUPPOSED to be fat right now - it's how the body insulates against the cold
- It's ok for adults to wear pajamas - even footies
- Disneyland less crowded during schooldays

Cons:
- The unbearable walk to and from your car when you must park outside
- Shrinkage
- The patch of black ice that YOUR dumb ass will slip on
- It's fucking FREEZING out there!

In the end, I find it really hard to pick one: when it's hot, I wish it were cold; when it's chilly, I long for the heat of summer. I do know this: living in Southern California seriously warps your sense of temperature.

Man...

It's killer hot this morning. I thought I could run for longer than I could, but I haven't been training enough in between the big Sunday runs to be in proper shape, and I'm forcing myself to get on the ball here. Still, it feels good to have worked hard, and as an added bonus Jenn and I found a beautiful path that runs along a cliffside and gives us an unobstructed view of the whole city.

Tonight: up to Valencia to hang with Damian and see The Incredible Hulk. Again.

If you haven't seen Hulk yet, I highly recommend it - this film is far superior to Ang Lee's adaptation a few years back, which completely missed the entire point of the Hulk by giving the property to a director who is not suited to it.

They got it right. Again. I've been remarking to anyone who will listen that I think it's really cool to have two comic book films that are pitch perfect AND part of the same universe.

And for Hulk, you don't have to sit through the credits.

What I'm up to these days.

A short list:

I hunt for work. I worry about work that I was supposed to have but didn't. I get up REALLY early and go to bed before the sun (almost). I apply for several jobs but get no response. I wonder if ANYONE gets work off of Monster. Or Careerbuilder. Or Craigslist (although it has yielded the best results for me). I wonder if my money will run out before my luck. I wonder if I'm just banging my head against the wall. I train for a Marathon and get inspired by people in much more difficult situations than I who deal with life in a more graceful manner than I. I end statements with I. I get let down by childhood icons and pleasantly surprised by icons I barely ever knew. I fall in love with music again while falling out of love with TV. I wait for it to get hot. I hold it in until my brain hurts. I cough uncontrollably. I smile when I look at my sleeping wife. I make myself proud by doing things I've never done before, and disappoint myself by failing when I believe I should succeed. I wait my turn while noticing the line isn't getting any shorter. I read. I raise funds for something wonderful. I believe that people are basically good, despite a thousand examples to the contrary. I am doing OK, all things considered.

I end this blog.

I know, it's been a while...

But I will have some updates and thoughts to share VERY soon - I promise.